The throne I sat on, like a burnished chair
A fancy dunny if I ever saw one:
Marble, glass, one of those Japanese things
That washes your arse, gold leaf and a
Creepy little Cupid who stares at you
While you’re droppin’ off the kids at the pool.
The candles seem like a fire risk tho.
But, the little table’s handy—
So it’s out with the little stoppered vial
Chop chop, sniff sniff, a splash of G for good measure
And back to the party. Thank god,
Because for all the fancy decor,
And all the scented candles,
And the window open; it still smelled
Like a dog’s arse in there.
Weird shit on the ceiling in the main room,
Dolphins, green and orange, those funny
Little dudes with goat legs getting randy
With a sheila from Ancient Greece, a songbird,
And a bunch of other stuff on the walls.
Don’t tell me there’s acid in this G.
Anyway, the missus is coming out of the ladies’
And if I’m honest, shit looks fucken ominous
She’s playing with her hair, givin’ it that blank stare
And shuffling her feet, which
Is never a good sign.

Yep, she’s freaking out again.
“My nerves are bad tonight. Yes, bad. Stay with me.
Speak to me. Why do you never speak.”
“Because I can’t get a fucken word in edgewise.”
“What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?”

I think you should stay off the gear
And that this track could use a remix.

“What is that noise?”

…the music?

“What is the wind doing?”

What’s the fucken wind got to with it?

“Do

“You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember

“Nothing?”

I remember

I told you not to overdo it on the—

But

O O O O that Shakespeherian—
This better not be jazz.
DOOF DOOF DOOF DOOF
Ah, that’s better.
“What shall I do now? What shall I do?
I shall rush out as I am, and walk down the street
With my hair down, so.”
Like fuck you will. I’ll get you a taxi.
“What shall we do tomorrow?
“What shall we ever do?”

A shower in the arvo?

It’s meant to piss down, they say.
We can play two-up, hey. It’s ANZAC day.
And the dealer’s coming by at four.

When Shazza’s husband got back from Puckapunyal, I said—

I didn’t piss about, I said to her
LAST DRINKS AT THE BAR
What’d you marry a bloke in the army for?
They’re all poofters, y’know. But anyway,
Anyway, he’s coming back,
And you’d better find that money quick smart.
I mean, you spent it on your fucken teeth??
No-one’s gonna believe that. They look like
A bucket of smashed crabs.
If he gives you the arse, it’ll be cos I fucken told you so.
If you don’t give it to him, there’s others who will, I said.
You absolute raging whorebag, she said.
START MOVING TOWARD THE EXITS PLEASE
If you don’t like it, youse can all go and get fucked.
Not like you can pick and choose.
If he fucks off, it’s your own fault.
Look at the state of you. You look like someone
Dragged you backwards through a hedge.
(And her only twenty-one!)
I can’t help it, she said, gurning like a trucker
It’s too many pingers, she said. I go nuts.
(Five blokes in one night! Strike a light!)
The dealer said they’d be good, but I didn’t think they’d be THAT good.
You are a proper fool, I said.
Get fucked, she said, you’re not one to talk.
We’ll see who he won’t leave alone, I said.
What you get married for if you won’t put out?
I WON’T ASK YOUSE AGAIN
Anyway, whatever, turned out for the best
They asked me in for “dinner”, and we both got porked.
OUT OUT OUT
THE LOT OF YOUSE
Goodnight Kev. Goodnight Stace. Goodnight Jarrad. G’night.
See youse. Night night. Cheers, yeah. On ya champ.
Good night to all the sheilas. Til next week. Lol.